Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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