She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
