I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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