the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Ketchup is God's man juice
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
