im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
