Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
