Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
These tits shall not be calmed
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
