The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
