I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
