He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I deserve this hangover.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
