My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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