An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
