so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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