she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
