my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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