people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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