I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
