I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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