I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
