oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
