I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
