i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
