Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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