She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
