I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The ass gains better be worth it
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