I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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