I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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