remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
