Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
