it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
