I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
