sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
