I think I am morally bankrupt
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
