Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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