i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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