I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
