everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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