i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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