Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
