He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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