well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need to calm my uterus...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
