Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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