I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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