my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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