I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Farmville is her only friend.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
