I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
