i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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