i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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