She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
