well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
