Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
